19:17 [Babylon Bee] (E)
After the failed presidential candidate had escaped from the premises again and accused thousands of people of being Russian agents, orderlies were finally able to catch her and guide her back to her cell. She had escaped through the ventilation ducts, apparently, and quickly gave deranged interviews in which she seemed not to understand that she hadn`t won the 2016 election. She also found a smartphone and tweeted troubling things, causing asylum personnel to put out a call for her safe return.
7:34 [Babylon Bee] (E)
According to sources at a DC-area Costco, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was asked to leave Costco again after repeatedly accusing a lady handing out food samples of being a Russian asset. It wasn`t clear how Clinton had ended up in the Costco, as she usually has her servants` servants go to the market for her. Some suggested she wanted to disguise herself and go be among her subjects to see how the other 99% lives.